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The Top Five Running Mates for John McCain

Unless you’ve been living in a shoebox, the press has been in full force trying to predict who John McCain will choose as his running mate. It seems that the top “predictions” so far are (in no particular order): Tim Pawlenty, Charlie Crist, Mitt Romney, Mark Sanford, Tom Ridge, Mike Huckabee, Rob Portman and Condi Rice.  I’m not going to spend this post here analyzing these top press ”predictions.”  Instead, I will make my own predictions on who the Top Five best running mates for John McCain should be.

The choice of running mate is viewed by many pundits as extremely important for McCain.  As the New York Times remarked yesterday, “The choice of a running mate is always important, but it may be particularly so in Mr. McCain’s case, given that, at 71, he is seeking to become the oldest candidate ever elected to a first term as president.”  I have taken this piece of advice from the New York Times to heart when I formulated my Top Five List.  After hours of exhaustive research and an analysis of several key data indices, I arrived with this:

Mr. Cheeseburger 9000’s Top Five Running Mates for John McCain

1) Zakk Wylde: As you all know, Zakk Wylde is a bad ass guitarist, known for his virtuoso skills, such as speed picking and blazing up and down a pentatonic scale like there’s no tomorrow on his custom Les Pauls.  He is a guitarist for the one and only Ozzy Osbourne and also the lead singer and guitarist for Black Label Society. 

Mr. Wylde, depending on who you ask, is either 38 years old or 41 years old.  Whatever the discrepancy, it makes no difference.  Mr. Wylde will bring youthful energy to his campaign and have the ability to draw large crowds.  He will vitalize the soccer moms and the NASCAR dads with his long hair, big beard, muscular arms and a “take no prisoners” attitude.  This is just what McCain needs to solidify his base and to steal votes from the Democrats.  And that whole thing about “alienating” conservatives.  Well, McCain doesn’t have to worry.  Who are the conservatives going to vote for, anyway?  Hillary Clinton? Obama?    

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